2/2008

Please pray that God will remind me moment to moment that it’s not about me! Pray that I will remember how slight my pain and sufferring is compared to Christ’s and that He walks with me through every second of it.
Father, give me Spirit eyes to see what Your purpose is in all of this. Fill my simple mind with Your wisdom and my worn-down body with Your power. Then use me only for Your glory. If my pain can bring you glory, then I pray You’ll let me hurt. If You can further Your kingdom through my sickness, then I pray You’ll hold Your healing hand back from me until You see fit. Father, take all of Amy out of Amy. I want nothing in me but You! Forgive me for looking to myself and looking out for myself. You are my high tower, my ever-present hope in times of trouble!

When I was five years old, the Associate pastor at the church where my dad pastored stole my innocence. The molestation lasted almost four years. He did things to me that are unmentionable and unimaginable.

 By the time I was 15, my reputation was that of a “typical preacher’s kid”. You name it; I did it. I did a lot of things I shouldn’t have, but the most detrimental was my promiscuity. I was “taught” at a very young age that sex was the only thing I was good for. Even if only for a few moments, someone wanted me…
          When I was 17, I met the man who is now my husband. We dated for three months and then got married in my living room. I was 18 by then, and still partying. At 19, I had our first child, and our second followed 22 months later. We had our problems, but overall things were going really well. I was a stay-at-home mommy, and my kids were my world.
      At 24, everything changed. I got sick. It took the doctors months to diagnose a rare disorder that causes fluid to build up around my brain. I went through surgery after surgery - more than 20 in less than two years. The first surgery resulted in a spinal cord injury, so suddenly I was in a wheelchair. Then, of course, I went through a long period of depression. I was hospitalized three times for suicidal tendencies and attempted suicide more than once.  
          I just couldn’t understand what was happening in my life. For years, I ignored God, and my life was a breeze. Now that I was seeking Him, everything was going wrong.   I’m 29 now, and things are much different. I still have the pressure around my brain, I’m still in a wheelchair, I have constant pain, Fibroyalgia, TMJ, PTC, Migraines, I could go on, but why? I’ve even added another health problem to the list. I haven’t been able to hold down any food since May of 2006, so I depend on a feeding tube for nutrition. So, what’s different? Me.
          I’m different. I know what it is now to have peace in the midst of the storm. I understand now that even though sometimes God delivers us FROM the storm, sometimes He delivers us THROUGH the storm. I know now that I don’t have to understand everything in my life. I’m not the one in control here.
          God is still using my trials to grow not only me, but others around me. He has shown me what Joseph meant when he told his brothers that what they had meant for evil, God meant for good. He has brought me to a place of contentment in my circumstances. He’s taken me through the not-so-easy process of forgiving my abuser and realizing that God loves him as much as He loves me. 
          Don’t get me wrong, my life’s not easy, but whose is? There is always someone out there who has it much worse. I’m in a place of gratitude now. Yes, I’m actually thankful for all the ‘yuck’ in my life. I never thought I’d say that, but I really am. I’m a tough shell to crack, or as my husband says, just plain stubborn. It took A LOT to wake me up. So many told me for so long, “Amy, you’ve got to give it to God.”, but I just couldn’t do that. I realize now that God had to allow me to get to a point where I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I had to let go. When I finally did, it was as if He reached down and picked me up and just held me in His arms.
          I still can’t believe it took me so long, but I praise God for bringing me this far. I’ve got a LONG way to go. I’m not where I need to be, but praise God, I’m not where I used to be. It seems so simple - “let go” - but simple doesn’t mean easy. Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to do.
          I still pray for physical healing everyday, and I know it will come. I’ve just realized - FINALLY - that I’ll be okay no matter what the outcome may be. If I never walk again, that’s okay. If I have to live with pain from now on, that’s okay. If I get all my food through a tube for the rest of this life, that’s okay. I’ve got God, and He’s all I need. His grace truly is sufficient.   
          There is such freedom in letting go! Jesus died so that we can go straight to The Father - Not just that - He’s right there to intercede every time we do go to God. I never would have believed that my life would be changed so drastically with just a few simple words - “It’s Yours, God, I can’t do it. Please take it.”
          That’s all it took - “It’s yours God” - simple, but oh so hard. Now I just serve Him to the best of my abilities and wait to see what He has in store for me next. Whatever may come, I won’t wait again. I won’t use God as a back-up plan. He’s not there for “when all else fails”. He’s the answer, not the last resort. When I find myself in the next trial, my first words have to be “Okay, it’s Yours God”. 
7.20.07

Lyrica is one of the drugs my drs have me on. (My list also includes Singulair, Clonazepam, Dyazide, Neurontin, Nortriptylin, Levothyroxin, Baclofen, and Prevacid.) I also take some herbal “supplements”. I take Pau D’Arco, Super B-Complex, Combination Potassium, and Calcium plus Vitamin D. I wanted you to know all my meds because with me, it’s been a combination that has helped most.
     I certainly haven’t found anything that just “makes it all better”, as my son would say. BUT the combination of Nortriptylin, Neurontin, and Lyrica has definitely made a difference in my life. The Fibromyalgia is still winning, in a sense, but my pain is definitely more under control. The Neurontin and the Lyrica together have helped not only with the neuropathy, but also with my head pain. When they added the Nortriptylin, I saw a difference again. My everyday pain level was at 8-9 for years. Now I’m staying around 6-7 most days, even though I certainly still have days that are much, much worse. The Combination Potassium and the Vitamin B supplement that I take have really made a difference in the fatigue, and the Potassium and Baclofen help that achy muscle feeling…
        The pain management team that I work with at KU also started me on relaxation therapy for my pain. They had a tape I listened to as I was supposed to relax and “visualize” being without pain -floating, if you will. I’m sure that works for some, but for me, it’s prayer that works. I don’t mean just saying a prayer. I’m talking about lying down with total silence and truly letting go of myself, meditating on Scripture, and communing with God. He is SO faithful! He says He’ll get me through anything He allows in my life, and living with constant pain is included in “anything”.

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